Review: Bait 3D

“Wanna see a movie?”

“What’s playing?”

“Bait 3D?”

“What’s that about?”

“It’s the one where a tsunami hits the Gold Coast and sharks end up inside a supermarket.”

This conversation can go one of two ways. The friend could think Bait 3D, the latest big budget Aussie flick to come along in an effort to snare more box office returns than critical adulation, sounds completely ridiculous and scoff at your notion. Or they could think it sounds completely ridiculous and want to be the first in line at the ticket counter. The end result of the film lies somewhere in the middle.

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Also, it should be noted that as I was doing "research" about the movie, I came across some images that I think are very important for judging whether to see this movie or not. I don't think it's spoiler territory to tell you that for a movie about people be drenched, there isn't anywhere near enough in the sexiness department.

This actor is Richard Brancatisano and when I saw him listed in the cast list I couldn't for the life of me remember who he was. Was he one of the early victims of the tsunami? No, then I remembered he features in the opening scene and then, er, is disposed of. Obviously the film doesn't utilise his considerable skills if I didn't even remember this. Not at all. Also this, this, and this.

Elsewhere, fans of Xavier Samuel get some surf lifesaver roleplaying inspiration, but little else. Hilariously, multiple characters tell him he "looks like crap". My kingdom for my version of "looks like crap" to be in the same beautiful universe as his. Alex Russell doesn't get much in that regards either, but he does get the best scene in the movie (a genuinely tense pipe crawl over shark-infested water) and he gets out of the film with his career unscathed. The same can't quite be said for Lincoln Lewis - who has a brief shirtless scene that was met with somebody over the other side of the cinema hollering "WOW!" - or Cariba Heine, Julian McMahon, or poor ol' Sharni Vinson who's called to drop to her knees in horror and scream "NOOOOO!" more times than I care to remember.

Yes.

And The Oscar Goes To...

One week ago today I got to hold an Academy Award.

It was amazing.

Let me explain.

Have you heard of Jim Cameron's Titanic? Yeah, well, it's being re-released for the 100th anniversary of the event that inspired it, and in 3D no less. Because, you know, nothing says respecting the lives of the dead like watching them die in the third dimension! I joke, but I not-so-secretly love this film. It was one of the very best films of 1997 and it's 3D rerelease will make it one of the very best films of 2012. I don't begrudge it any of its success, whether that be grossing over one billion dollars or taking home a mammoth haul of Academy Awards.

Speaking of the Academy Awards... Titanic's producer, Jon Landau, visited our fair shores to do a bit of promotion and while the full 3+ hour screening of Titanic in 3D isn't until next week, they did screen 40 minutes of the final product for us (mostly innocuous stuff like Gloria Stewart seeing herself on the TV, Kate Winslet's big hat, the staircase meeting, followed by a hefty chunk of the stunning sinking sequence) before getting into a Q&A with Landau. Towards the end he produced the golden statue and, hilariously, the Titanic fan who he allowed to hold it was also just kinda allowed to exit the cinema with her hands clasped around it with nobody here nor anywhere looking out for it. They quickly cottoned on that Landau's Oscar had gone walkabouts, but by that time I had already gotten my grubby lil mits on it and it was a glorious feeling.

Then we lined up to have our picture taken with Mr Landau and the Oscar, and boy... it was something. As somebody who actively follows the entire award season circus and who makes no apologies about loving the Academy Awards, getting a chance to actually hold one was incredible. I kinda felt, for those few brief seconds, what the fuss was all about. I'd seen them before - Oscars won by Adam Elliot and Cate Blanchett have a home on show at ACMI in Melbourne - but to actually hold one was something entirely different. It's like the statue has a gravity pull that just drew me in, even if the base was a bit wobbly. Landau needs to send that baby to the Academy's repair shop! It's a wonderful piece of work and I imagine many people who year-after-year bemoan the movie industry's slavish devotion to the Oscar tradition and who spout the same tired "who cares?" arguments would find the experience quite something.

And I love how Leonardo DiCaprio is peeking behind my shoulder there looking all intense and grumbling "I want one of those!"

Review: Shark Night 3D

Shark Night 3D

Dir. David R Ellis

Year: 2011

Aus Rating: M15+

Running Time: 91mins

Where does one start when discussing the wholly ridiculous Shark Night 3D? I could begin by mentioning the flying sharks or the dog that helps perform CPR, but maybe that’s too obvious. I could talk about how all five cinema patrons on a Thursday afternoon (myself included) were chortling along at ludicrous dialogue like “Can we save it?” referring to the arm that has been bitten off by a ravenous shark, to which the med student lead character Nick (Dustin Milligan) replies “Sure, if we can find an orthopaedic surgeon in the middle of the bayou!” Or how about the plot that’s closer to Scream 4 (with sharks!) than Jaws. You can see where this is going.


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Review: Tornado Alley 3D

Tornado Alley 3D

Dir. Sean Casey

Year: 2011

Aus Rating: G

Running Time: 43mins

It was some 11 years ago that I saw my first IMAX film, as well as my first film in 3D. The movie was CyberWorld in which a collection of short 3D animations – including The Simpsons’ famed third dimensional episode – were strung together in a rather lousy way. It was nothing more than a clip reel for the technology, but it worked on my teenage brain. Much has changed since then, with the IMAX brand now expanding to even bigger sizes and screening Hollywood blockbusters like The Dark Knight (I chuckled upon seeing a poster for Real Steel at the Melbourne Museum’s IMAX theatre), whilst 3D has advanced so much that we can now watch it at home on our high definition televisions without the need for those uncomfortable blue and red tinted glasses.

Both mediums are so fully integrated into the cinema-going experience that I was surprised to find sitting down to watch a 43-minute 3D documentary on the IMAX screen actually still has as much novelty value as it once did. That giant screen is still awe-inspiring, as is the idea of these documentarians lugging around the massive IMAX cameras for years at a time to put a barely feature length film to celluloid. Sitting down in an IMAX seat – a genuine IMAX seat, not one of those multiplex quote unquote versions – is daunting and I can just remember

With Sean Casey’s visceral Tornado Alley, the IMAX and 3D formats are put to rather exceptional use, and it works as a telling reminder of the impact they can still have. Audiences have no doubt seen tornado footage dozens, if not hundreds, of times before on their flat 2D television screens, but witnessing it on such a scale – the IMAX screens in Sydney and Melbourne are amongst the largest cinema screens in the world – is completely different.

In Tornado Alley, Sean Casey follows a team of scientific tornado chasers whose goal is to apparently live out the plotline of Jan de Bont’s windy blockbuster Twister and research the hows and whys of tornado formation. Parallel to that he follows his own mission to capture the inside of a tornado with an IMAX camera from inside his reinforced tank. Images of Mad Max are to be expected once you see this less scientific and more macho beast of an automobile that’s for sure. Weighing 14,000 pounds and customised with bullet-proof glass, a 6.7 litre turbo diesel engine and a 92 gallon fuel tank (thank you official website), this car known as TIV2 is built purposely to withstand the impact of being in the centre of a category 5 tornado and can travel at 100mph. There are even spikes that dig into the ground of added holding power! Casey intercuts between these two missions whilst throwing around graphs, charts, weather patterns and other scientific mumbo jumbo to appease teachers taking their classes on field trips under the pretence of “education”.

Usually when a documentarian inserts himself into the film it becomes more about their smugness and desire for attention than anything else, but Casey’s passion for storm chasing is so infectious that it works and his half of the film proves more fascinating than the less chest-beating weathermen that he shares the roads with. There’s grandeur to his half of the film that lifts the film above a mere dry science lesson and with editing reminiscent of a Hollywood disaster movie it’s certainly exciting when that funnel is charging towards the screen. And in 3D, of course.

The IMAX cameras capture astounding images of the American south (known as “tornado alley” due its high frequency of storms) and they look stunning projected onto the big screen. If Bill Paxton (yes, from Twister – oh the hilarity) constantly, and lifelessly, narrating to us about the “warm moist air” had been excised, I would have been more than happy to keep watching for longer than the three quarters of an hour running time. Still, if it’s been a while since your last traditional IMAX experience then Tornado Alley could be an exciting remedy. B

Review: Green Lantern

Green Lantern
Dir. Martin Campbell
Year: 2011
Aus Rating: M15+
Running Time: 114mins

It’s curious. The thing I kept thinking about most of all after exiting Green Lantern was not how especially bad it was – although it is. Very. – or Ryan Reynold’s marvellous physique – although it is. Very. – but, instead, how uniformly ugly everything is. Whether it’s the poorly-coiffed, heavily-bronzed actors, the dark acid-washed visual effects or the dingy soap opera sequences that make Kenneth Branagh’s Thor look like Shakespeare in comparison. Everything here is ugly. In fact, the only thing here that isn’t particularly ugly is Ryan Reynolds himself, although perhaps I was distracted by his abdominal muscles that are visible through clothing. Perhaps.

You want a plot recap? I honestly couldn’t give you one outside of there being this guy called Hal Jordon who flies jets in the military and he gets “chosen” by “the ring” to become the newest member of an intergalactic police unit. They’ve clearly been playing around in other sectors of the universe if they’d thus far ignored this planet. We need all the help we can get! Then there’s some story about a former something something becoming an evil something something that plans to take over the universe? Oh, and Peter Sarsgaard running around doing his impersonation of a fey Elephant Man and Tim Robbins looking like an outcast of Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory doing their own version of Nancy Meyers’ What Women Want. I think it’s impressive I can recall that much.


Unfortunately, director Martin Campbell – a talented man responsible for two of the best James Bond flicks – seems to lack any idea of what is most interesting about his story. We barely get a chance to see any of the alien “green lantern corp” in detail, with only Geoffrey Rush’s fish-faced Tomar-Re (didn’t we already see this in Hellboy?) and Michael Clark Duncan as the actually-sorta-racist Kilowog. The location itself, the far away planet known as Om, is so horrifically lit that its images are barely visible. Maybe it’s just me, but when I go see a movie that purports to send viewers to planets in far off galaxies I’d rather they not look like a coal mine.

Back on Earth, meanwhile, we have to sit through a ridiculous sequence in which Uncle Hal must put his family at ease over a near-fatal plane disaster that – oh no! – had echoed his own father’s death via exploding air flying thingy. The love interest is played with vapid nothingness by Blake Lively who appears to have that unique acting talent of being able to cry without actually crying. My favourite bit in the entire film was when Lively’s Carol Ferris (what an ugly name) wipes a tear off of her cheek when there was, er, no tear to actually wipe away. That’s acting, folks! And then, of course, how about the night party scene where she shows up with her hair looking like a fly girl from In Living Color? Why the filmmakers decided to not give Angela Bassett her own super-power of enunciation is beyond me. She could talk that flying octopus of mud to death!

That someone as white bread as Ryan Reynolds gets to play a well-off, successful man whose inner virtues apparently far outweigh is outer rotten personality is probably the least offensive thing about Green Lantern. How about that ridiculous mid-credits coda that might as well began with “2 years on Green Lantern 2: Legend of the Mysterious Ga’zahoole or whatever”? I mean, there’s leaving the door open for a sequel and then there’s being so arrogant as to expect audiences will somehow show up for a sequel to an obvious dud of a movie just because you throw a yawnsome coda onto the end.


Oh sure, I admit to getting minor kicks out of seeing Ryan Reynold’s good looking mug and even better looking body plastered onto a big cinema screen, but a Google image search is equally forthcoming with the visual splendours. And, hey, at least that way he doesn’t look a ken doll with no genitals! I can’t particularly criticise the 3D since the wizards behind the scenes do well enough with what they were given for the post-conversion effort. Same goes for James Newton Howard whose score occasionally finds some rousing form amidst the cluttered scenery. The screenplay by Greg Berlanti, Michael Green, Marc Guggenheim and Michael Goldenberg occasionally comes out with an amusing line – I particularly enjoyed the one about having eyes in the back of your head – but their setup is rote and lacks rhythm. The ending is quite dunderheaded, really, when held up to the light of day for even moment. It’s all just a bit too shabby; not good enough in any legitimate way and not silly enough to truly embrace its ‘80s spirit. D+

MIFF Blogathon: Day 2 (Forgotten Caves, Kill Lists and Submarines)

This blogathon is an initiative of MIFF for their 60th anniversary year. I am one of six bloggers given the mission of seeing 60 films in 17 days and writing, reporting, reviewing and wrangling my way through the tiredness and hunger to bring the festival experience to your computer.

Cave of Forgotten Dreams
Dir. Werner Herzog
Running Time: 90mins

Has Werner Herzog become a quasi-hipster joke? A piss-take of himself that nobody can take seriously? It certainly feels that way after watching this 3D documentary, Cave of Forgotten Dreams, as he drearily walks around a cave spouting ridiculous dialogue like "is this cave the beginning of the modern soul?" in that recognisable accent of his. Perhaps Herzog thinks that by this stage of his career he can do whatever he likes and that if he just throws out some verbose narration and obvious references to Baywatch that people will love it?

Whatever the case my be, the subject matter - previously undiscovered, ancient rock drawings from France - feels like an important topic in a historic sense, but nothing Herzog does here, other than the occasionally spectacular 3D, can enliven the rather drowsy material. I admit to falling into several microsleeps during this film, which feels like a short documentary expanded into feature length to the detriment of the material. An abrasive musical score by Ernst Reijseger certainly doesn't help matters, either. A disappointing effort. C

Living on Love Alone
Dir. Isabelle Czajka
Running Time: 89mins

A lovingly lit French drama about a young woman, Anaïs Demoustier as Julie, whose inability to cope with the realities of inner city life sends her crashing towards a doomed romance with an out of work actor, Pio Marmaï as Ben. Living on Love Alone [D'amour et d'eau fraîche] is the debut feature for Isabelle Czajka and while it certainly looks impressive, thanks to sun-kissed cinematography by Crystel Fournier and the attractive leads, it suffers from the dreaded no-third-act syndrome. This is a phenomenon that plagues many Australian films, too, and it's disappointing that this brief film wasn't expanded somewhat and given a proper ending.

Demoustier is a stylish presence on screen, but it's Marmaï who really stands out as the film's strongest aspect. His charming presence makes Julie's decisions more believable than they otherwise would be. The screenplay, also by Czajka, has some interesting things to say about the laziness of youth and Julie's inability to comprehend what is required of her in the adult world. I appreciated Czajka's realistic take on young people and their attitudes towards sex, while a family dinner sequence is spot on, too, in the way family members interact. The closing scenes are involving, but end too abruptly. B-

I just want to show you what Pio Marmaï looks like, okay?


I think I'm in love lust.

Submarine
Dir. Richard Ayoade
Running Time: 97mins

"Ben Stiller Presents" says the poster. I presume because British humour does not travel well over the Atlantic Ocean (the Australian poster is Ben Still free) they felt the need to place Stiller's marketable name on there, but I can't imagine anybody going to see Richard Ayoade's debut feature Submarine based on his name and being anything but disappointed. That's not a mark against the film, but it was something that lingered on my mind after the credits. There is such a distinct voice to Submarine that dumbing it down to Ben Stiller's level feels silly.

At first coming off as Britain's answer to a Wes Anderson film, Submarine eventually morphs into something far darker and less pleasurable. Aided by a winning lead performance by Craig Roberts, the opening half of Richard Ayoade's debut feature is funny and charming, with brisk editing Chris Dickens and Nick Fenton and a wonderfully worked sense of time and place. However, the way Ayoade handled the shift in tone is troublesome. There's no nuance there and the abrupt change is distracting. Still, there are many pleasures to be found withing Submarine and I suspect it was garner a lot of fans with its refreshing take on American quirky indies. B

Kill List
Dir. Ben Wheatley
Running Time: 90mins

A film of three very different acts - domestic drama; action movie; horror - Ben Wheatley's Kill List is a rather confounding experience. The less you know about it the more intrigued you will be by it. I was curious as to where it was going, especially in those opening scenes where domestic non-bliss, although once it got there I found my interest waning. A third act about face, however, produces some truly visceral, terrifying cinema. Kill List is a curious film and probably demands more thought than I am able to give it right now. B-

The Innkeepers
Dir. Ti West
Running Time: 102mins

Ti West has, after two films, become one of the most interesting names in horror. Not content to make the same film like many others, West has followed up his terrifying 1980s homage The House of the Devil with this far more quaint and quieter scarer. Made with a very obvious wink at the audience, The Innkeepers succeeds due to the adorable charm of lead Sara Paxton and a gripping set of frights that work time and time again.

It still saddens me to know that The House of the Devil never got a release in country. I was able to see it a local horror film festival, but no subsequent DVD release has ever eventuated. Such a shame that people haven't been able to see it without illegal downloading because it's a doozy of a horror flick. West appears to have learnt a thing or two as well since there are no pacing issues and the third act is a considerable step in the right direction. I can only hope that local audiences get the chance to see The Innkeepers at some point as it works far better than many horror films that get a release. It's got a kindred spirit in Insidious, and I think if you mixed the two films together they would actually make a perfect horror movie. As it stands? B+

MIFF TALES:
I somehow made it through five films yesterday despite battling the flu. I have popped so many pills and drank so many blackcurrent lemsips and yet it still hangs around. If you notice my writing in these entries tends to drift off or sound disconnected, it's probably because I don't feel like myself right now. This is getting very tiresome.

Not as tiresome, however, as the technical issues a near sold out crowd experienced at Cave of Forgotten Dreams. Not just one, but several! At first the film began to play with distorted sound. As @FeNi64 humourously put it on Twitter: "It sounded like Stephen Hawking on flat batteries." That this is an apt description is all very o_O you know? Still, the pandemonium that erupted through the Hoyts cinema was like nothing I had ever witness before. Patrons, a lot of them, were stomping their feet, booing, chanting... anything to get the attention of the festival staff so they would do something. I heard later in the evening from someone who was standing next to festival director Michelle Carey when she got the phone call and she was none too pleased.


Once they finally got the film going from the start again the crowd couldn't have expected what would come next: During the "postscript" sequence (the bit about albino crocodiles) the film just stopped. Another wave of moans and groans swept across the cinema as one employee valiantly tried to keep us all in check. Several people got up to leave. I didn't. However, once the film started up again and then froze AGAIN? I grabbed my stuff and left. Such is the burden of a person seeing 60 films at a festival.

Review: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Dir. Rob Marshall
Year: 2011
Aus Rating: M
Running Time: 128mins

These days a trilogy just isn’t complete without a fourth entry to screw up everybody’s DVD shelves of collectable boxsets. Just last month audiences were treated to Scream 4, a sequel that transcended it’s obvious grab-for-cash qualities by reuniting the original trilogy’s director, screenwriter and (surviving) stars. Horror franchises are rarely given such liberties with their fourth instalments as they usually spin off into silliness and irrelevance. Now even Hollywood blockbuster trilogies aren’t safe, even after Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull irked multiple generations of new and old fans alike. Movie series’ such as the Bourne titles and X-Men are getting mutant forth entries. Does nobody respect the sanctity of the movie trilogy?

First though we get Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, the fourth instalment of the popular franchise that began on such a high of swash and buckle with The Curse of the Black Pearl and ended in excessive blather with At World’s End. Rob Marshall has picked up directing duties from Gore Verbinski, Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom must still be stuck on that cliffside shack because they didn’t show up either, although Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush do return as Captain Jack Sparrow and Captain Barbossa respectively. Screenwriters Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio are still here for writing duties, but they’re clearly working on fumes as On Stranger Tides feels excessively tired and been-there-done-that in almost every regard. Apart from Penelope Cruz’s cleavage. That’s new and special. And in 3D too.


Oh, 3D. Granted, I haven’t seen Clash of the Titans, which is apparently one of the worst uses of 3D on record, but Marshall’s film marked the first time I actually sat there hating the use of this third dimensional technology. Even in films like The Green Hornet or Pixar’s work where the 3D has been used unnecessarily it was never actually flat out bad and never did I actively start to dislike the movie for using it. The tinted glasses do this film no favours whatsoever, making an already dark and interior film look decidedly darker. Unlike the James Cameron produced Sanctum, the caves of On Stranger Tides are rendered muddy and lifeless due to the 3D. There is no depth provided by the technology; in fact, I was able to take the glasses off for a good 40 minutes or so and found no issue at all.

These films are traditionally bright, colourful and vivid with their use of colour and there are stretches of On Stranger Tides that are no different with its lush, tropical greens, yellows and blues. They don’t need the extra technology to look more impressive – nature is the greatest CGI after all. It’s needless and actually disruptive to the film’s quality.

I guess I should just be thankful that this film’s running time is a much more friendly 128 minutes rather than the absurd 170 of At World’s End. Marshall certainly did well in keeping a fine eye on the editing suite, directing the shortest film of the franchise. Marshall, it must be said, as always, has delivered a film of fine technical merit – Penny Rose’s costume design is yet again the unheralded champion, can you believe she hasn’t received a single Oscar nomination for her efforts on this franchise? – but he cannot save the film from its unnecessary, rather ho-hum atmosphere.


The cast are merely going through the motions, although Rush eats so much scenery in his early scenes I was frightened he’s get indigestion! Cruz and Ian McShane make acceptable, if unremarkable, newcomers to the franchise, but Sam Clafin is no Orlando Bloom and you know something’s not right when you write that in a review.

Perhaps it’s just a case of not being able to recreate the initial sensation that came with seeing The Curse of the Black Pearl, but this franchise should just stop. Not even the trademark fight choreography or Cruz’s delicately-placed crucifix can save it. At least the endless parade of sequels that horror franchise’s get don’t cost the GDP of some small nations! The excitement, or even the vaguest of interests, has gone and it’s going to take more than a few fresh faces to get it back. C

Review: The Green Hornet

The Green Hornet
Dir. Michel Gondry
Year: 2011
Aus Rating: M
Running Time: 119mins

The Green Hornet is a movie that succeeds in spite of itself. Pitting two individuals with such distinguishable styles – co-writer/executive producer/star Seth Rogen and director Michel Gondry – together is almost always a recipe for disaster, and yet in Gondry’s outlandish, visually flash and snappy adaptation of the famous radio serials is a delightful hoot from word go. It is alive and marches to its own imaginative beat, which is something I appreciate more than others it seems.

Seth Rogen, co-writing with Evan Goldberg, stars as Britt Reid, the son of a recently deceased newspaper tycoon played by Tom Wilkinson. Along with his father’s mechanic Kato (pop star and Curse of the Golden Flower actor Jay Chou), the two form a crime-fighting duo whose mission – I think – is to pretend to be villains in order to get closer the man responsible for all the violence in Los Angeles. That’d be Christoph Waltz as the ridiculously named Chudnofsky. Cameron Diaz plays Lenore, but her role is nearly non-existence, which is a shame because Gondry has proven to quite adept at giving perky blondes wonderful roles (hello Kirsten Dunst in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind).


It’s basically all one big excuse for Rogen to wear dapper (and, for this viewer, irresistibly sexy) three-piece suits while explosions detonate around him and every second evil henchman dies by having something fall on them, whether it be a car, a bulldozer, a steamroller… The plot is more-or-less a series of exposition and bromance bonding that act as nothing more than flimsy bridges between escalating loco action sequences, but what loco action sequences they are! And that exposition? Filled with ballsy zingers recited at such rapid fire pace by (mostly) Rogen, the kind that you would expect from him and Goldberg (they also co-wrote Superbad and Pineapple Express). Scenes between Rogen and Chou have a zest that isn’t usually found in action blockbusters of this sort. The Iron Man films tried, but I much prefer Rogen’s brand of the similar playboy/frat house humour.

The action really is quite something. I don’t recall having ever been so particularly taken by a film’s stunt work – shame on me, really – but the work by the stunt crew here appears phenomenal. Sure, a lot of the fight sequences involve crotch-kicks and head slams, but Gondry has filmed the action scenes so as to allow an audience to properly see them all. That it physically looks as if a real person is having their nuts smashed by a villain is not to be underestimated. A seemingly never-ending parade of people smashing through windows, slamming into walls and doors, falling out of high places, punching, slashing and stomping mixed with an assortment of weaponry, inventive and traditional, make the escalating madcap violence hilariously numbing. Why is a man getting kicked in the testicles so much funnier here than anywhere else I’ve seen it lately? I’m not quite sure, but I appreciated the film’s bravura and the way it embraced its crazed style.

That Gondry was able to stick to Rogen and Goldberg's rhythm and still have some of his style come through is a bit of a minor miracle. Oh sure, there are no scenes made of paper mache, but compare The Green Hornet to anything by, for instance, Stephen Sommers or Rob Cohen and you can see an instant difference. Gondry is no director for hire and he has supplanted enough style to make the movie stand out without going overboard and alienating. There’s a very distinct Dick Tracy meets The Shadow circa 2011 vibe there that I clicked with. It embraces its cartoon heritage, but does so in a way that isn’t dopily obvious (hello Hulk) or frustratingly literal (that’d be you Sin City). The 3D is mostly ineffectual, although one thing Gondry makes work with the technology is split screen, which produces a nifty floating effect as his cameras follow a series of various characters during a sequence that makes TimeCode quadrant screen look quaint.

The reactions of this film have been amongst some of the most fascinating in recent memory. For every critic or two giving it a one-star savaging there is another hailing it to the heavens. They say comedy is subjective, and so too are big budget, wisecracking, visual effect extravaganza blockbusters. In a time when so many films of The Green Hornet’s ilk are trying desperately to be “gritty”, “realistic” and “mature”, played so seriously that you could cut glass with the straight angels of the pretty lead cast-member’s jaw, it’s hard to imagine myself having more fun in a movie of this kind. What Gondry’s film has, and has in spades, is a very specific dedication to pure and utter anarchy. There aren’t just times when The Green Hornet goes off the rails – it goes off the rails, rockets off into the stratosphere, loops around while juggling five missiles at once and then lands perfectly back on the tracks; it should crash and burn, but ultimately becomes something I embraced in all of its wow-pop-zing glory. A-

Review: Piranha 3D

Piranha 3D
Dir. Alexandre Aja
Year: 2010
Aus Rating: MA15+
Running Time: 88mins

Sometimes a title can tell you everything you need to know. Such is the case with Piranha 3D, a film in which prehistoric piranhas fly out of the screen at your face. If that sounds like a good time at the movies then run to the cinema immediately. Filled with recognisable faces, packed with excessive blood and gore and jokes as corny as they are hilarious, Piranha 3D is, if nothing else, the most honest and unpretentious piece of filmmaking of 2010.

Read the rest at Trespass Mag
I doubt there is a movie released in 2010 that earns it's B more than Piranha 3D. It's a B movie through and through both in intent and execution.

Piranha 3D: For Your Consideration from Piranha 3D

And for what it's worth, the recent "Funny or Die" sketch that aimed to place this movie amongst the year's Oscar contenders is worthwhile for one category: Best Make-Up. It will never happen, but I am quite positive that the make-up work here will be far superior to any of the old age make-up or fat man make-up that the Oscar's branch will ultimately bestow a nomination upon. The bit where a girl's hair gets caught in a boat propellor that proceeds to then rip her entire face off is a better example of cinema make-up than The Wolfman, Alice in Wonderland or whatever other terrible movie will fill the space.

Also, this new "Funny or Die" video is hilarious! "Ving Rhames can send video through time", indeed.

Ving Rhames Wins Oscar for Piranha 3D from Piranha 3D

Review: My Blood Valentine 3D

My Bloody Valentine 3D
Dir. Patrick Lussier
Year: 2009
Aus Rating: R18+
Running Time: 101mins

Sometimes when one is sick, one just wants to sit down and watch some silly bimbos and idiotic jocks get murdered in increasingly "suspense-filled" ways. So it was with that idea in mind that I sat down to watch My Bloody Valentine last night. I attempted to watch it in 3D with a flimsy pair of painful glasses that came with my copy of Friday the 13th Part III - my Valentine DVD did not come properly equipped with glasses of its own - but they didn't work so I promptly flipped the disc over and watch it in standard 2D. I can't say the 3D would have given the film much hope of being any better than it was, and watching 3D movies in 2D always holds some amusement to me. The sight of people waving things around in front of themselves for no reason elicits chuckles from me.

The movie, let's face it, isn't the rocket science equivalent of a horror movie, but it held some interest with me. I was glad to finally watch a horror movie from recent times that could be described as "slasher". In my formative movie-watching years the big horror hits were titles like Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, The Faculty, Halloween H20 and Urban Legend. At the same time I was discovering older titles like Friday the 13th and Halloween and so it grew that these were my favourite kind of scary movie. All on VHS too! They were rarely genuinely great movies (sometimes they very much were), but they provided a few scares and a whole lotta fun. Perhaps there's just something about a person in a mask with a sharp weapon that is much more enjoyable than Japanese twin sisters or sadistic mind games. You can't say many (if any at all) of the horror movies released in the last few years could be described as "fun". So, yes, it was nice to see a horror title try and be fun again. Not every time I sit down to watch a fright flick do I want to feel like slashing my wrists from the miserable hopelessness of it all (as much as I can actually like those sort of scary movies).


Starting ten years ago we get the deaths of a good 30 or so characters in about fifteen minutes. There are explosions, pick-axe murders and open-heart guttings. Charming. However, the highlight of this opening passage is seeing the likes of Jensen Ackles (29 years old), Jaime King (30 years old) and Kerr Smith (37 years old!) portray teenagers. The film promptly jumps forward ten years, which makes the actors look far less ridiculous, although the image of Smith wearing a backwards baseball cap and pretending to act like he's still on Dawson's Creek would have made the whole affair, perhaps, even more fun. It also reminded me of the days when these movies were filled with casts made up of the entirety of WB's teen program lineups as opposed to nameless nobodies whose entire career will be heretofore made up of direct-to-DVD Saw sequels.

The film follows the expected pattern. Various characters start getting murdered by a man in a gas mask wielding a pick-axe, but this time in 3D! Eyes pop out at the screen, gun barrels are aimed directly at the audience's face, blood splatters in various directions like you're in the front row of a play that requires you to bring your own coat. There's even 3D breasts, which is perhaps the film's most bizarrely hilarious moment. Betsy Rue (what a name!) gets to strut around completely starkers before running away - still completely starkers - from the murderous villain. It'd be offensive if it wasn't so stupidly whack.


(black bars added by me - this blog has some decency ya know!)
Of course, once the final act rolls around and it brings out more and more of the old slasher chestnuts it starts to derail. The red herrings aren't well-played and the big reveal somehow succeeds in being more disappointingly handled than realising it was actually Rebecca Gayheart's giant hair under that woolly parker the entire time! It's around this time that the movie's overriding sense of fun dissipates and ends up as a more cynically motivated piece of trickery. Still, director (and co-editor) Patrick Lussier keeps the film moving at a quick pace - working on Wes Craven's Scream films clearly helped - and visually the techs are well done, even if the 3D effects appear to be entirely superfluous. I know I'd rather spend time with this splatter town than I would the mean-spirited and nasty ones of recent times. C+

Cinema of the Absurd: Friday the 13th: Part III (in 3D)

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART III (1982, dir. Steve Miner)




Nothing can prepare you for the onslaught of murder and mayhem that is present in Friday the 13th Part III. ...lol, sorry. I tried to type that with a straight face, but I couldn't keep it up. You really wanna know what there's an onslaught of in this film? Laughs. This movie has it all! Eye-poppings, knitting murders, small-town biker gangs, a weird disco soundtrack and it's all in glorious 3D!!!! Now, this was only in 3D on it's theatrical release in 1982 so unfortunately the DVD release just features characters throwing things at the screen, which has it's own wonderful entertainment value.

Plot: Following on directly after the quite dire Friday the 13th Part II, Part III again follows a bunch of teenagers at some random lake who don't know it yet, but are soon all going to be killed with humourous ways by Jason Vorhees - new and improved after dying in Part II and gathering a new mask (the debut of the famous Hockey Mask). Personally, I think the heavy-handed social commentary weighs it down but that's just me. :P. Let's discuss.

Warning: This entry contains images and discussion of violence. Please don't read if you wish to remain innocent and carefree *chuckle* Also, this is very Spoiler-heavy so don't be annoyed when I tell you who dies!

The Set-Up: The film starts with one of the scariest images you'll ever see. The words "Friday the 13th" and "Part III" appearing out of the eye sockets of the rotting head of Mrs Vorhees. That's not the scary part. The scary part is the absolutely mind-boggling DISCO SOUNDTRACK! Gloria Gaynor does Jason! I don't think this moment is bested as the film's most unintentionally hilarious moment. The Friday the 13th theme being turned into a disco inferno is priceless. And in 1982 no less.

After that brilliant title design we get a wonderful opening featuring two old people getting murdered! He gets an meat cleaver to the chest, while she gets the better death, by getting her knitting needle through the brain. Suffering for your art is so tiresome. Let's not even bother to mention who these two actually are. They're just randoms, which makes their deaths even more comical.

We then move on to the real story of the film. YOUNG MOSTLY-NAKED VICTIMS! You can always tell who the lead role is in these films because they always have a HIDDEN PAST. This is easy to spot as they are the one who looks off into the distance/at mysterious shacks/out across the lake/at the only exit/warns everybody to not go skinny dipping at midnight because they'll catch a cold.


This time we get the usual suspects. The girl with the mysterious hidden mystery past, the boyfriend, the best friend, the practical joker who will pretend he's been murdered early in the movie only to be murdered for real later on, etc. Oh, and randomly there's some hippies joining them? I don't even think they knew each other before this supposed road trip.

Hilariously we get a subplot involving a small town rebel motorcycle gang! These guys (well, 2 guys and one badass mofo chick) terrorise convenience stalls and like to hide out in empty barns. WOW. I don't really get why they are even in this movie other than to up the (inevitable) body count.

The Slaughter Begins: This is where some hilarity really happens. We get many many murders in Friday the 13th Part III (more than in the other two) with 12 altogether (including that poor bunny rabbit on the side of the road. We assume that was Jason's doing because he hates everything, even bunnies). The biker gang bite the dust in the barn (for no apparently reason) but there's a twist coming up later that is just too good. They die with the help of some 3D effects and farming tools. Priceless. It's also not explained why there is a barn right next to the lake in the first place, but that's just being pedantic, isn't it?


Other deaths come via spears in the eye (in glorious 3D), machetes to the body (while doing yoga!) - both can be seen above - and a retread of Kevin Bacon's death in the original Friday movie, we get a girl sitting in a hammock getting a sharp object in the neck! YAY! That one's hilarious because the make-up job is so bad. Really bad. There's some throat-slitting (the practical joker dies in such a boring way, it was really depressing)

And I'm not even going to tell you what happens to this chick. Hilarity ensued though. Also, in this movie, Jason dies twice! He first gets thrown of a balcony and hung in a noose. He then later, after somehow surviving, gets an axe to the face. The lead actress (Dana Kimmell btw) has two of the best reaction shots I've ever seen. "No! You can't be alive!" after realising he's alive for the first time and then a look of pure horror as Jason continues to come towards her even with an axe in his face. Way to go Dana! You're definitely my favourite Friday the 13th chick. It is this moment with the axe that includes the return of the bikie gang leader! Apparently he has Jason-style ability to survive impalings and such and returns rather randomly, but dies a mere second or two later. He gets his arm chopped off! Sweet.


The 3D: This film was made at the height of the 3D-'80s movement. As I mentioned earlier, the DVD release isn't actually in 3D so it features a lot of characters randomly waving sharp things at the camera. Thing such as bats, pitchforks, machetes, spears, axes, eyes and entire bodies and even yoyos (I suppose it was made at the height of yoyo popularity too?). It's all rather silly, but hilariously entertaining. Watch as the bikie leader waves a pitchfork around like a fool. I almost felt as if he was waving it at me (the point, I suppose) but makes me go "Why are you waving that thing at ME?!"

Jason: Jason is a hoot and a half in this flick. When he's not killing people in hilarious ridiculous manners, he's being an absolute moronic klutz. He has zero balance and falls over and the slightest touch and he gets his body parts (keep it clean people) stuck in all sorts of places (again, keep it clean). Although, he does have stellar aim!

Conclusion: Friday the 13th Part III is my favourite of the franchise. While the original is a fun-as-those-things-go type of affair, the second wasn't much cop and the others I have seen are mostly dumb. Jason in Manhattan would be a wonderful contender for this series if the movie was set in New York - only about 10 minutes of it are (and they are indeed absurd yet wonderful), and Jason X is just bad. But this one is So. Much. Fun. Even without the 3D it'd be a blast, but the added bonus of idiots waving silly objects around makes it even better! And who can go past the murders! Murders in 3D no less. Eyes popping out at you is just wonderful. The proposterousness (is that a word?) of the whole thing made me fall in love. It embraces all the cliches of the horror genre. This is a perfect movie to sit around with a group of friends (who like this sort of stuff), have some drinks, and laugh your freakin' ass off.

On the Absurdity scale from 1-5, I rate Friday the 13th Part III a 3.5
It's really absurd, but it's hard to penalise a movie that waves funny objects in your face and thinks it's scary!


(click the above image to watch a wonderful Friday the 13th Part III clipshow. Brilliant.

I really need to thank Ultra Secret Website for the images.