Tuesday, April 10, 2007

When Bad Posters Strike: I Could Never Be Your Woman [Spanish Version]

I present to you a fictional conversation between Michelle Pfeiffer, Paul Rudd, Diane Keaton and Kate Winslet.

Michelle: Why are my eyes so buggy? And why is my hair so frizzy.

Paul: It's because buggy eyes and frizzy hair makes the audience know that you are a crazy and neurotic woman who can't keep a boyfriend. The headset you're wearing also demonstrates that you a) are a hard working business woman or b) still listen to your walkman and those delightful cassette tapes of Boyz II Men songs you recorded off of the radio.

Michelle: *shoots laser beams out of her eyes*

Paul: You're still hot though.

Michelle: Well thank you. I must ask... why do you look like Sarah Jessica Parker.

Paul: ...

Michelle: Why are you looking at me like that?

Paul: If I could shoot laser beams right now I would. At you. Even though you're still hot. You are neurotic.

Michelle: Neurotic my ass.

Paul: Holy shit, I really do look like Sarah Jessica Parker. Or a really bad drag version of her. That's so upsetting. Normally I'm attractive in a i-don't-care-what-you-think sort of way.

Michelle: I'm always attractive in a i'm-always-attractive sort of way.

Diane: Would you two shut up. Look, Michelle. I've won an Oscar. You haven't. Sad, I know, but you're not going to win one by copying me, alright. Just face it. I am the neurotic one. I am the slightly unhinged one. I am the one who shows up at awards shows wearing film costumes from the 1970s. I am the one who always has the bottom of the paper bag fall out on my way home from the grocery store only to have the man I have a high school crush on show up to help me. ME!

Michelle: Must... resist... urge... to kill... not... neurotic....

Kate Winslet: Hi guys! It's me, five time Academy Award-nominee Kate Winslet. Look, Michelle! Don't you listen to that crazy neurotic Diane Keaton. Us constant Oscar-losers need to stick together. Even if you have tried to copy me. Honestly. We're too good for these movies, really. Although at least you get Sarah Jessica Parker. I got shlubby Jack Black.

Paul: Hey!

Michelle: At least Jack Black doesn't look like Sarah Jessica Parker!

Paul: Hey!!! Whatever, at least I'm not a neurotic mess.

Michelle: *vapourises Paul Rudd with laser death stare*

Diane: Where's Jack Nicholson's sunnies when you need them?

Michelle: *vapourises Diane Keaton with laser death stare*

Kate: Look Michelle. You don't wanna kill me. We're like sisters. We're both really sexy and we've both never won an Oscar despite many, many nominations. We need to stick together.

Michelle: *vapourises Kate Winslet with laser death stare* Who's neurotic now?!?!