Monday, February 13, 2012

When Bad Posters Strike: Dark Tide

I wavered on this. Is this poster truly as bad as I think, or does is actually spin right around into becoming completely amazing? I mean, the poster is clearly a load of bollocks that should never have seen the light of day, and yet I'm infinitely more interested in seeing it now than I ever would have been if they hadn't been so transparent and hidden Halle Berry's breasts and sharky stalker. I feel like I've been transported back to the mid-1990s when cheesy thrillers starring big names seemingly stretched the entirety of the new release section of the local video store. Movies like The Net, Speed 2: Cruise Control, Dark Rain, Deep Rising, The Specialist, Hard Rain, Turbulence, Anaconda, Money Train and Point of No Return (The Assassin) come to mind. Usually with artwork that included a whoosh effect to give off the allure of "high octane thrills and spills". Films that, had they not starred somebody of significance, would have barely eked out much of a direct-to-video campaign let alone a theatrical release.

Let's take a look...


It is so bad. Direct-to-DVD doesn't even begin to describe how terrible this artwork looks... and yet I am *so* there. I'm not even inclined to admire Halle Berry's breasts and yet there they are and I can only imagine how hilarious it's going to be to see her jump around from one precarious situation to the next whilst holding on to her dignity and the few straps of fabric holding said dignity in place. The ridiculously dated typeface isn't helping the mid-'90s nostalgia, neither is Berry's haircut that sorta looks like they used a publicity still (or worse, a paparazzi photo!) from earlier in her career and popped it on the poster. That absurd tagline - "In Shark Alley, courage runs deep" - that makes no sense, but makes me wish Don LaFontaine was still alive to tear into that line with delicious vigour. "From the director of Blue Crush and Into the Blue", meanwhile, probably only means anything to anybody who has a particular fondness for underwater cinematography and tanned, lithe bodies.

Most hilarious of all is the shark fin, which... well, I don't want to be crass, but look where it is. Ow.

The trailer on the other hand makes the film look like none of the amazing cheese the poster alludes to. It just looks a bit dull. Notch that one up to another win for the "I don't watch trailers before seeing a movie" brigade, I guess.

No comments: