Thursday, December 23, 2010

American Psycho! The Musical

The recent news that Bret Easton Ellis', shall we say, unpleasant novel - and, I presume, my extension, it's visual adaptation to film by Mary Harron - is being adapted to Broadway was certainly a head-scratcher. Would the music be dark and brooding or light and poppy like the music that Patrick Bateman's (the novel's lead character) enjoys. Will there be a Whitney Houston inspired torch ballad like "The Greatest Love of All" or will we get smooth new wave pop like Huey Lewis and the News' "Hip to Be Square"? One can only imagine, and I haven't heard the music from Spring Awakening to know what lyricist Duncan Sheik could come up with.

This article does bring up a great picture for the mind, however, invisioning Patrick's apartment as a decadent white laboratory of musical madness. Think Harron's interpretation meets Down with Love and Rope. A lot of Rope.

Image by Justin Reed, source

I came up with some lyrics that are clearly Tony worthy. The first song I picture being sung by Patrick himself (first verse, final line) and a chorus of doll-face dancers wearing nothing but sheer raincoats. Does it work?

My name is Patrick!
When I’m through with you on my dick,
My name is Patrick!
I like to impale you on a stick.

I have perfect complexion,
Smooth skin!
Watch out I might just stab you,
Through the shin!

That’s me!

His name is Patrick!
He has some fetishes that are really sick
His name is Patrick!
If he doesn’t like you he’ll give you the flick

You’ll never see it coming,
Dig in!
His teeth will rip your flesh,
Real sick!


That’s me!

Yeah? Personally, I think it's amazing and stellar and wheresmyaward?

How about this little ditty I came up with?

My tanning salon,
Is it on,
Turn it up!

I like a tan in the morning!
I like a tan after brunch!
I watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre!
And then I get another tan for America!

My tanning salon!
Is it on!
Turn it up!

I like a tan in the evening,
I like a tan before drinks,
My pectoral muscles have never been so tan,
I’m looking so hot I’m gonna need a fan.

My tanning salon,!
Is it on!
Turn it up!

Some people say I’m obsessed,
I just say that they’re a mess,
If they looked as good as me,
They’d tan from 8 til 3.

My tanning salon!
My tanning salon!
My tanning salon!

How do I look?

And, of course, you can't have an American Psycho musical without a song called "Murders and Executions" can you?

Murders and executions are the things I like the best,
Ask me what I just said and I’ll say it was a jest.
Forget skinning cats and all the rest,
For murders and executions are the ultimate test.

(spoken word)
You know, someone once asked me “how can you do what you do, representing fat cat America?” and you know what I told her? “Shut your fucking face you dirty fucking whore!” We both laughed for four or five seconds before I produced a nail gun and shot her through the skull.

But you know what the moral of this story is? If you don’t have anything nice to say… I’ll kill you and stuff your head in my freezer!

Murders and executions, they’re what I like to do,
With knives and chainsaws, teeth and hammers too.
When I’m alone at night and I look at my toil.
I notice I am all alone, I feel like a Royal.

(spoken word)
Sometimes I wonder “How did I get here? What am I doing here?” and then I remember I’m exfoliating and that takes a lot of concentration so I stop thinking and make sure my fruit extract facial mask isn’t drying out my skin too much. Once I’m finished with that, however…

(big cresendo)
I look in the mirror and peel off my face!
Smiling ‘cause I know your blood will be all over my place!

For now the night is over and the blood has spilt.
How dare you mess up up carpet, don’t you have any guilt?
Oh, oops, you’re already dead so who am I singing this to?
I guess I’m all alone.
Murders and executions, baby it’s just me and you.

I obviously missed my calling in life. Now, how about that Far From Heaven musical...


Anthony Mai said...

You are one very talented offspring, Mr. Dunks.

Copyright it now!!!

This makes me want to rewatch American Psycho. Unfortunately, I've only had ONE viewing. Though it was amazing...

P.S. I wrote a song in the shower about how shitty by job was and that I wasn't getting paid for it. I'm too nice to quit on them. Sadface...

Tom Clift said...

That was the best way possible

JA said...

How did I miss this? Glenn, you romance me with your beautiful music. ;)

Glenn Dunks said...

I should record it on my iPhone and send it to you, Jason. I really should.