Monday, June 2, 2008

12 Thoughts I Had During Elizabeth: The Golden Age

1. How is it, that in a cast where three of the four leads are played by Australians, that it's the British one (that'd be Clive Owen) who gives the worst performance of the whole movie? Or, why not extend that to the whole year? Clive was pretty damn bad. Emphasis on "pretty" though. Wasn't he just one of the worst written characters you've ever seen? Yikes.

2. How many rotating/revolving/circular pans of Cate Blanchett could they shove into the one movie? I swear every time Cate was the only one on screen they took the opportunity to circle the camera around her again and again and again. She must've felt like an idiot standing there for hours on end as the camera spun around her.

3. Speaking of odd camera decisions, if I wanted to see pillars that frequently I'd go to Greece. Was it possible for the camera to move in front of a pillar? Why did it always have to go behind it, giving us the glorious sight of dark granite for roughly 10 collective minutes.

4. That scene where Blanchett was running around like a loon calling for Abbie Cornish's character was quite funny.

5. Nice costumes, but completely soulless.

6. I had no idea it was going to turn into Pirates of the Caribbean: The Golden Age by film's end. And a really poor imitation of it at that. Clive Owen was doing a mean Orlando Bloom impersonation at one point.

Oh bollocks, I put on the wrong costume from the wardrobe department!

7. This has absolutely nothing to do with Elizabeth: The Golden Age, but have you heard the new Scarlett Johansson album? I'm going to review it for you guys later. My mind wandered off frequently during this movie.

8. I guess that trilogy isn't happening, is is Shekhar Kapur?

9. I'm sure if Eddie Redmayne had have been in this movie more I may have thought he was worse than Clive Owen. Did anybody understand a single word he said?

10. Look, I'll be the first to admit I don't know what the difference is between a protestant and a catholic, a catholic and a christian, etc, but this movie didn't really explain anything. Like, I don't understand how all these religions can believe in the same god, yet... well, I dunno. Really. They show Queen Elizabeth I preying to god. Ummm... is the protestant god so radically different from the catholic god that they needed to send out a freakin' armada? Talk about lack of priorities.

11. It was all so frightfully boring.

12. D+


Catherine said...

#2 made me giggle like a school girl.

I still haven't seen this film. Nor have I seen its first installment. Historical epics do nada for me and although I love Cate, I have no great desire to watch her holler for a couple of hours.

Also, quick guide: Catholicism is the tree, Christianity and Protestantism are two branches of it. I wouldn't say there's enough difference between the two to neccessitate an Armada, but hey, look at Northern Ireland! ;)

Glenn said...
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Kamikaze Camel said...

Blanchett doesn't even holler that much! It's basically just three scenes and then the rest are of her looking cheekily at Cornish and Owen.

Dave said...

Is the Scarlett Johansson album... good? I'd heard it was rubbish, but maybe I should actually check it out. Maybe that's why she's become a shit actress: her talents have reconvened to focus on singing instead.

And this is about three months out-of-date, but I keep meaning to ask you: have you heard the new Cut/Copy album, and if so what did you think?

Anonymous said...

Actually, Christianity's the tree, and Catholicism and Protestantism are the branches. That is, both Catholics and Protestants are Christian, but a Catholic is not a Protestant and vice versa. AND the Church at that time was a dominant political force, so it made a bit more sense for people to go to war over things like that. Religion is kind of like the mask for all manner of other social/cultural/political issues.

Still, the movie is stupid.

Glenn said...

Yeah, it didn't really explain why it was worth going to war over when they seem like very similar belief systems.


Dave - I'd be wary of ScarJo's album. It's an acquired taste. And I'm not sure if she's much of a singer, quite frankly. I liked the Cut Copy CD, but wasn't exactly blown away by it.

Catherine said...

Oh, dear, anonymous. I knew that, really. I hate making stupid mistakes. :(

Anonymous said...

haha, catherine, it happens ;)