This is my review of the return of Gladiators to television:
And now to elaborate.
I used to looove Gladiators. Me and my friends used to create our own Gladiators challengers in the schoolground. Our favourite was the Eliminator. We totally had the over/under challenge, the monkey bars, the ropes. I believe we even had a travellator of sorts! So when I heard that it was coming back I was soooo psyched. And watching the premiere tonight reminded me just how amazing it truly is.
Nothing can compare to the site of fully grown men and woman (including famous athletes like Anthony "Kouta" Koutoufides and Tatiana "Olympia" Grigorieva) running around with giant earbuds and handclappers sprouting dialogue that Troma would find embarassing. I can't wait to see challenges such as Vertigo, Hang Tough, Suspension Bridge, Sumo Ball, The Wall and, my absolute favourites, Hit & Run, Atlasphere and POWERBALL!!!!!. It's gonna rock.
A quick look at the official site gives us such invaluable information about our ripped roid hounds. Some of my favourites so far are (using the image at the top as reference):
Amazon (1st, top row) - She has hilarious hair!!!
Nitro (2nd, top row) - From the moment I saw her I knew I'd like her.
Destiny (4th, top row) - Because I think it's lovely that today's youth (Gladiators is, essentially, a kids show) are being introduced to porn stars so early. They need to get Peter North of this shit, y'all.
Thunder (6th, bottom row) - Because he's hilarious when they speak to him after challenges.
Outlaw (7th, bottom row) - I find this guy kinda sexy. Maybe if he cut off the Paddlepop Lion locks he'd be an out-and-out sexy mothafucka.
I did get a kick out of seeing the camera continuously cut back to someone in the crowd holding up a sign reading "BYRONY" despite the fact that one of the female contestents' name was actually Bryony. Did Channel 7's prop department screw up or are Bryony's family just really really stupid? WHO CARES because it all helps make Gladiators even more (to quote Spiderbait) fuckin' awesome and that's all you need to know.
Bold, rugged and lawless, this outsider was born to be wild. With an untamed spirit, he tackles every challenge with fearless abandon.
This wild cowboy is ready to lay down the law to his Challengers.
"I do things my way," he says. "I don't care who my Challengers are or what they do. I'll beat them regardless. I play hard and fast but most importantly I play to win."
Oh lordy! I need a cold shower...
then people would pay more attention to me!
No, Tom. No.