Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The Oscar Red Carpet

Were you there? I was, and I got some mighty fascinating quotes from the stars! The bits in italics are what I said to them in return. I'm so nice like that.


"Sploopy doopy WOOPETYWOO!! I'm so silly lolz omigod ROCKOUT!!! Flimity floobity boop!"

You're an idiot.


"I'm amazing. Jon Stewart will totally be correct when he says I'm one of the funniest women he's even met. Cause I am. But he hasn't said that yet. That's in the future. Also, aren't you glad I toned down the lipstick? Just a smidge, but I'm sure you appreciate it. Don't you? Give me your approval!!!"

I do, Anne. If I was casting a movie of my life I'd totally want you as some wise-cracking best friend-type.


"Glenn's still not sure why he has a thing for me. I mean, I am kind of scuzzy, but during the telecast I can guarantee that I'll make him laugh and he'll find me yummy."

It's sad - and a little bit gross - but true.


"Glenn thought I'd be the best dressed and, well, I do look pretty don't I, but perhaps too safe."

Perhaps?


"So, we all know by now that it goes baby kittens and then ME, but those kittens better watch their backs!"

My baby kitten knocked over an expensive vase today so you're totally in the lead, Amy!


"God we're gorgeous!"

Uh-huh!


"Hi! I'm Diablo Cody! I'm Pebbles Flinstone's porn-star sister. My heroes include Liz Taylor in Cleopatra and Project Runway contestants."

You're weird, but I kinda like that you're a complete nutter!


"I like how Glenn still has a crush on me from the My Beautiful Laundrette and Age of Innocence days. I should make my next movie one where I get to look pretty again."

I agree that you should sweep me off my feet and love me for all time. I mean... I agree about what you said. Yeah. That's it.


"Where's Todd?"

I don't know.


"Here I am Cate! Glenn didn't see my movie because they distributed it poorly, but he loves me anyway so he's going to put a picture of me up. Did anybody even know I was here?"

Nope.


"Not me either, but that's swell. You get to watch another of your films go home empty handed."

Shut up, Cate! At least you look pretty, although I don't quite get the scarfy-strappy thing on your dress.


"I'm just so happy to be here!"

Riiight.


"BREEEEEAAASTS!!!! BRRRRREEEASTS!!"

Tell me 'bout it, honey! Those things should be given out as consolation prizes!


"Gosh I'm dreamy."

Can't...stop...drooling...


"Gosh I'm dreamy."

Can't...stop...drooling...


"My next role will be as a teacher at a run down community college in the poor part of town. My class will be 'How To Dress Appropriately if You Are 50 Years or Older'."

Hey, it beats Nic Cage sequels.


"Everybody wants to be me."

Shut up and kiss me.


"I'm so lovely, no? It's as if the Heavens are beaming down on me right now!"

Yes. All true.


"I look surprisingly good! Everybody else seems to be wearing black or navy and if they're not they're serving their tits up on a platter. Go me."

I don't like you, but you do look pretty.


"I made this myself!"

Poor love. I know you're going to lose, but that's no reason to wear those hideous gloves!


"My name is John Travolta and I knew I'd be in a photo with The Rock so I made my hair look exactly the same!"

Dude, that stuff came out of a can, I can tell!


"Wow, my posture is so poor! Maybe it's because I can't see what I look like in a mirror anymore that I've just given up completely. Seriously! WHY CAN'T I OPEN MY EYES?!"

Complete.Utter.Contempt.


"I look fabulous! Plus I have such a killer rack right now!"

I know!


"They look even bigger from this angle!"

Yowza!


"My dress better look during telecast, swear my life!" *giggle*

Sure.


"How come I can dress better than all of Hollywood? 'Cause I can. I look adorable and patriotic!"

You're so freakin' adorable!!!


"Why am I here?"

Beats me.


"Why am I here?"

I don't know...


"I will one day take over your puny planet and you will all worship THE TILDA!!!"

Whoa, settle down there Tilda.


"Our movies are totally realistic! The shlubs do get the hot chicks!"

Is it weird that I have a weird thing for you Seth? It is, right? I know it is. I think it was that police uniform and the handlebar moustache in Superbad. That was total Porn-central circa 1980. Maybe that was too much information?


"I'm so amazing. Did I mention I go by 'Academy Award-Nominee Sarah Polley' these days?"

And how!


And the BEST DRESSED of the night?

Saiorse Ronan!

"Me?"

Yes, you! Because that dress is amazing, the colour is fantastic, and you know how to dress yourself when women twice (three times, even!) your age can't seem to get anything right. Way to go Saiorse! I guess having you as best dressed helps make up for Keira not being there at all, which was sad.

"Keira's a British bitch, but I'm just so happy right now that I'll forget how much I loathe her."

Bless you, child.

{fin}

6 comments:

J.D. said...

Glenn, you are magically delicious, I swear.

SAOIRSE '09!!!! or SAOIRSE '10!!!!

When is TLB actually scheduled to come out? I'm so confused...

Dave said...

Someone already started up the Church of the Holy Linney, right? Because they're gonna be bloody crowded at the next meeting...

richardwatts said...

Heh heh - deft, articulate and clever. And oh, the Tilda-ness of it all! The Laura-ness of it all!

richardwatts said...

Heh heh - deft, articulate and clever. And oh, the Tilda-ness of it all! The Laura-ness of it all!

paul79 said...

That's the most enjoyable "Oscar Red Carpet" special I've ever seen. Can we get you to fill in for Richard Wilkins next year? Please!

Kamikaze Camel said...

In the event of a Tilda invasion the only things left standing will be cockroaches and RICHARD freakin' WILKINS. I'm fairly certain they have proved it with science.