Thursday, January 3, 2008

Glenn's Worst Music of 2007

Okay, folks time to get the ugly musical skeletons outta the closer. Time for more lists! Tonight I'm scrounging through my CD collection and presenting to you the 20 worst albums that I listened to in 2007. Now, my "worst" of 2007 is probably not the actual worst. I mean, I'll torture myself with Catwoman on DVD but there is no way in hell I'm going near Nickelback's latest greenhouse gas emission album just so I can write crap about it, ya know?


Kylie Minogue
Showgirl Live
This makes an entry purely because - as much as I love Kylie, hi 21 best of 2007! - her concerts aren't exactly the type of stuff I want on my iPod. Unlike Madonna or the Pet Shop Boys her live album is basically her songs performed live with no wild changes or anything and in this age of DVD why should I own the CD when I have the album versions minus annoying crowd noises?

Jennifer Lopez
The cover art may be a work of camp art, but Brave was - give or take a few songs - a complete waste of time. GET IT TOGETHER, J.LO!

Kelly Rowland
Ms Kelly
Beyonce is able to put out shit albums because people will buy it like the sheep that they are. You, Ms Kelly Rowland, cannot afford to put out tired limp hip-hip like the stuff that exists to bore us to tears on Ms Kelly.

The Evolution
The only thing shocking about The Evolution is that after "Like a Boy" I thought it may have been good. Alas, it was not.

The Reminder
Please wake me when this overtly precious floopsy moopsy cutesy poopsy album is finished please.

Young Divas
New Attitude
Totally disposable. And then they throught in a rapper. Jesus Christ, what bonehead suggested that?

Calvin Harris
I Created Disco
No. No you didn't. And stop claiming this is anything remotely connected to disco. Stick to producing stuff for other people, Calvin

Enrique Iglesias
Well, you can't say the title Insomniac didn't warn you of this album's terrible after-effects. It'll haunt you for a long time. Unless it does the opposite and put you right to sleep.

Slinkee Minx
Electric Dreams
Electric Dreams is so G-rated that even the latest Barbie Hits Volume 23932 would balk at including anything from these Aussie gals.

Sum 41
American Idiot Underclass Hero
Three years late, boys.


Dean Geyer
The title of Australian Idol third-runner-up Dean Geyer's album is called Rush, not Rushed, but you coulda fooled me. This desperate attempt at selling albums to virginal girls in grade nine (if there are any left, haw haw) is a total hack job. So much so that the record company has given up on it and is sending him straight to Ramsey Street in desperate (there's that word again) attempt to kick start his limp career. Funny that Geyer appears on the worst list, while his girlfriend (er, one of the Veronicas) appears on the best. Nice work, Dean! Oh, and he has a song called "She Comes in Waves", which you can figure out for yourself.

Duran Duran
Red Carpet Massacre
I was all set to dismiss this latest "comeback" album - haven't they been "coming back" every couple of years since 1993's The Wedding Album? - as the mere follies of a hasbeen band from the 1980s that nobody wants around anymore, and I do quite like "Nite Runner". However, "Nite Runner" is just the problem. It belongs on another album. It belongs on a Justin Timberlake album or something. Sorry to break it to the Duran, but they are never going to be Timberlake anytime in the future. That the whole album sounds like some mediocre Timbaland effort (which it is) is disappointing. Duran Duran are legendary, they don't need to resort to songs "featuring Justin Timberlake" or "featuring Timbaland". No sir.

Ultrabeat - The Album
Apparently it's 1997 again. And a dodgy parallel version of 1997 where instead of artists like Sash! and ATB it's lame carbon copy outfits like Ultrabeat. This stuff will come back in vogue eventually, but it sure as hell ain't gonna be in 2007, thank you.

Timbaland Presents: Shock Value
When I first listened to this album roughly six months ago I was very very disappointed. Sure, "The Way I Are" and "Apologize" are great tracks, but that's it. Everything else is just same ol' same ol'. I re-listened today and it's just as bad now as it was then. Ignoring the fact that Timbaland doesn't even remotely understand the concept of a "solo album" (only album opener "Oh Timbaland" doesn't "feature" another artist) but he merely went ahead and made an album like all the others he has been producing lately. He ropes in the usual suspects (game: how many times can you hear Justin Timberlake or Nelly Furtado without looking at the credits?) for songs that drag and show that once and for all it is indeed possible for the master to fall on his own sword.

I couldn't even get past track five. When I eventually did try and listen to the rest it was downright excruciating. JUST SHUT UP!!!!

I don't know who the hell this is, but in the absense of having to listen to Nickelback for an hour, this guy surely takes the Nickelback/Creed/etc place for 2007. I don't even really have anything to say about Daughtry because I don't want to put it back into the CD player. I mean, honestly, the witty comments just aren't worth it.

Pull the Pin
I've always had a casual fling with the British lads of Stereophonics. Songs like "Madame Helga" and "Dakota" are amazing electro-rock-pop stormers. So, naturally, they decided to go in the complete other direction and ditch the "electro-rock-pop stormers" part and just focused on noise and bad Liam Gallagher impersonation. It's all just so much for so little. Restraint can be a powerful thing. Or, so to can a tune. But let's not go there. Oh! Speaking of no tunes...

Kelly Clarkson
My December
While plenty of others artists have been frustratingly jumping onto the Kelly Clarkson bandwagon - that means you Amy Pearson, Kate Alexa, etc - she decided to forego making another amazing pop-rock album like she had with Breakaway and decided to get depressed, sit in a (I assume, depressed) trailer with her depressed band members and pump out inane depressing drivel. If she's depressed she's taking everyone down with her!!! Out the window are catchy tunes, classic hooks, memorable lyrics and effortless amazing pop music, and in are loudloudloud tuneless garbage. This is amateur-hour garage rock, and lousy garage rock at that. Clarkson, humourously - or not so humoursly, come to think of it - Clarkson has taken a page out of, what I dub, The Marion Cotillard is Edith Piaf Book. Loud = Emotion. Apparently, screaming so much that your voice breaks mid-album is what equates to emotional gravitas these days. Ugh.

R Kelly
Double Up
The only thing that saves R Kelly's abysmal Double Up from being the worst album of the year is that I had a great deal of fun out of running it parallel to classic so-bad-it's-amazing film Showgirls. It's all outdated sex-themed lyrics, insane lay-down-the-crack-pipe style vocal deliveries, silly excursions into juvinile (ew, not like that) before coming to a screeching hault on the foul language-filled sexist woman-bashing anthem "Real Talk", which has such insightful lyrics as "And the next time your ass get horny/Go fuck one of your funky ass friends/Hell, you probably doing that shit anyway." Charming. Alas, we will always have "I'm all up in your middle/Ooh you taste like skittles" and "I'm your sex-asaurus". Yay.

50 Cent
I don't even wanna talk about it. So, instead, here is a part of my initial review that I did for Forte - "On ‘Man Down’ he raps “I told you I’d murder them” over the Scooby Doo theme (I am not joking). ‘I’ll Still Kill’ features Akon boasting “Don’t even look at me wrong when I come through the hood,” before charmingly discussing how he can still kill within the blink of an eye. How gangster of him. On ‘Amusement Park’ he reaches new and unheard of levels of filth." Has he announced his retirement, yet?

Up tomorrow - The best albums of 2007 and then the 75 best singles of 2007.


Barry said...

"1234" by Feist and "Maybe Tomorrow" by Stereophonics are good songs. I don't think MT is on the album on the list though.

Kamikaze Camel said...

"1234" appears on my Top 75 songs, but not in it's original form.

Adem With An E said...

First I read you love Keira Knightley and now you dislike the Cicada album?!?! I HAVE A SAD FACE.

Thank god for our mutual love of Amelle.

Agreed on quite a few of your choices though... Particularly Rowland, Lopez, Ciara, Enrique, and everything in your top 10 bar Timbaland, Cicada and Duran.

Kamikaze Camel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kamikaze Camel said...

Cicada was just, like, 12 songs all identically the same and all noisy junk. I couldn't stand it.

And, no, "Maybe Tomorrow" isn't on Pull the Pin.

James Henry said...

I was also disappointed with Ciara's "The Evolution". I thought "Goodies" was a solid, if not exactly groundbreaking, album, but none of the songs on the CD are as good as "Like a Boy." "Ms. Kelly" had it's moments (namely "Comeback") but it could have been better. And I must be the only one who enjoyed J. Lo's "Brave"- easily her best since "J. Lo"

The only things I completely disagree with are on "Shock Value" (a couple of duds, but mostly amazing) and "My December" (sure, it's not radio friendly, but I don't think that's the album's fault)

Kamikaze Camel said...

Ms Kelly has the groundwork for a greak album - "Comeback", "Like This", "Flashback" and "Work" all have merit. But it's all nulled by "crunk" dirge that litters the rest of the album. As much flack as Beyonce got for Bday at least it was different to what is cluttering the charts right.

Drew said...

Everyone's entitled to his opinion, but I'd say give Feist's another chance when it stops being overplayed. There's substance to it.

Catherine said...

Boo for Feist. For shame, sir. For shaaaaaame.