Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Too Cute or Not Too Cute: An Essay by Christina Ricci

Gosh, I'm cute aren't I? Like, I'm majorly cute. But am I too cute? I want to be cute. But I don't want to be too cute. Because once you become too cute people always see you as too cute and never just plain ol' regular cute. If you're sexy, you can be sexy but if you're too sexy (for this song!) then that's all anybody ever sees you as. Omigod, are you following me?

It's like that episode of Daria - gosh, I love Daria. I totally could have played Daria in a live-action movie. You know, when I was all moody and emotional before I got cute and bubbly - where that one girl had a nose job because her original nose was too cute and it distracted from the rest of her, which was just ordinarily cute. Or that episode of Futurama where Amy - I could also play Amy in a live-action Futurama movie, except she's Asian, but the right about of cute! - got "cuteness reduction surgery".

So, basically, this is all a big way of saying I'm cute, but not too cute. Look what happened with Drew Barrymore when she was too cute all those years ago. She got into drugs and alcohol and flashed David Letterman on national TV. I would never do that. My cuteness level wouldn't allow it.

I'm a very tiny person so I have the ability to fall into too cute territory, but I think I play it well. I dress super-cute, but not super-too-cute, and my hair is fabulous, but not precious, which can be misunderstood for being too cute, which is actually worse than just being flat out too cute. I mean, at least if you're only too cute you're flat out too cute, but if you're on the prescious side of too cute then you may as well put Tim Gunn to your head and tell him to shoot (omigod, did you like that witty play on words? Or was it too cute?)

In conclusion - I, Christina Ricci, am cute. But not too cute. Unlike that bitch Zac Efron. Like, he's waaay too cute that the cuteness factor does a full 360 and becomes grotesque. It's like, "I can see that you're cute, but you also look like a hideous robot from Jupiter". Thank you, the end.

Christina Ricci

if any Melbourne readers have seen Christina out and about on the streets (she's here visiting her boyfriend, Aussie actor, Kick Gurry) then shoot me an email. I'd love to hear about it.


Rural Juror said...

Seen Black Snake Moan? It's a weird as movie, but I really liked her in it. It was quite a departure for her.

And I don't even need to ask whether you've seen Undertow, do I? Genius.

Rural Juror said...

oh . . . there's no reason for me to mention Undertow except that I just saw it. I realize Christina Ricci has nothing to do with it :)

Kamikaze Camel said...

I was gonna say "Christina Ricci had a cameo?!? where as she?!?"